TENNIS Women's semi-finals.
Channel Nine, 4-8am. US Open.
GOLF BMW Championship. Second round.
Fox Sports 1, 4-8am; 8.30-10.30am. US PGA Tour.
Nationwide Tour. Utah Championship from 8.30. Second round.
MOTOR SPORT Emerson 250.
Ten HD, 9.30am-1pm. NASCAR Nationwide Series.
BASEBALL Arizona Diamondbacks v LA Dodgers.
ESPN, noon-3pm. US Major League.
AFL Adelaide v Collingwood. Second elimination final. From 7.30. Sydney v North Melbourne. With ticket sales for this, possibly the least inspiring of the Swans' past five finals appearances, hovering somewhere around the 16,000 mark at press time, the AFL looks an odds-on bet to be introduced this evening to one of the most endearing features of the NRL: the dynamite atmosphere of a one-quarter-full, no-noise-coming-from-the-stands, hotdogs-outnumber-patrons, no-competition-for-a-space-at-the-urinal ANZ Stadium. We've been at the Olympic stadium for a game like that, and we can honestly say that it led to some of the least-pressured urination we have ever experienced at a professional football fixture. On an unrelated note, did anyone know that the AFL is this week holding the International Cup, and that on Wednesday night, Papua New Guinea beat South Africa by 47 points to advance to this afternoon's grand final against New Zealand? We didn't think so!
Channel Ten, 2-5.30pm; 7-10.30pm. First elimination final.
RUGBY Easts v West Harbour.
ABC1, 3-5pm. Elimination semi-final.
LEAGUE Panthers v Sea Eagles (Toyota Cup) from 3.15. Panthers v Sea Eagles (first grade) from 5.30. Eels v Warriors or Sharks v Cowboys (viewer's choice) from 7.30. On anyone's reading, it's been a great week for spitters. First Perth Glory defender Dino Djulbic was accused of spitting in the direction of a referee during last weekend's loss to Sydney FC. (He subsequently got off the charge.) Next came the "liquid substance" that Anthony Quinn felt Matt Hilder had directed, via the means of his throat and mouth, towards him in a tackle. And finally, the coup de grace: Wade McKinnon and the gallons of saliva he sent touch judge Brett Suttor's way during the Warriors' match against Penrith last Sunday. McKinnon tried to get off by saying that he was just breathing, and that any spittle was incidental to the act of breathing. Even better, however, was Hilder's explanation at the judiciary earlier this week that what had been flung in the direction of Quinn's face could have been a "moth" - a stray, late-winter moth. "There's definitely something there," Hilder said when confronted with footage of the incident. "I'm not too sure what it is. I can't say 100 per cent that it isn't [spit]. … It could be a moth. It could be anything." Putting the three incidents - Djulbic's, Hilder's and McKinnon's - together, it's clear that a new taxonomy of spittle is emerging in Australian sport. When you exhale and there's a gob of sputum that comes out your mouth, for instance, that's not spitting - that's breathing. When you exhale and there's a gob of sputum that comes out your mouth, and the gob lands on a touch judge or opposing player, that's not spitting - that's making a friend. When you exhale and there's a gob of sputum that comes out your mouth, and the gob lands on a touch judge or opposing player, and the Channel Nine cameras are all trained on you while you do it, that's not spitting - that's Channel Nine's fault. And finally, when you exhale and there's a gob of sputum that comes out your mouth, and the gob lands on a touch judge or opposing player, and the Channel Nine cameras are all trained on you while you do it, and the person you spat on saw you do it, that's not spitting - oh no. That's a moth. The volume of spit being produced in Australian sport is so great these days that it surely can't be long before the playing grounds of this country become indistinguishable from your average factory floor out the back of Guangzhou. Players will be knee-high in spit from the moment they run on to ANZ Stadium; there will be torrents of expectorant gushing down the hill at Leichhardt; and running a regulation set of six at Suncorp will require a snorkel. Celebrate.
Fox Sports 2, 3.15-9.30pm.
LAWN BOWLS Men's final.
ABC1, 5-6pm. Queensland Open.
GOLF European Masters. Third round.
Fox Sports 1, 9pm-1am. European PGA Tour.
FOOTBALL Macedonia v Scotland. A couple of weeks ago we had a childish little dig at Derby County cross-field trainer Ruben Zadkovich for the ridiculous, look-at-me Mohawk he took into the Olympics, arguing that more than Graham Arnold, more than our lack of decent strikers and more than the fact that we were up against much better teams, it alone was the real reason for Australia's bitterly disappointing showing at the Olympic football tournament. Well, words are in need of eating. Not because we've now been convinced that Zadkovich is actually a great player - in fact, he is merely adequate - but because we've now seen proof of the transforming power a well-executed Mohawk can exert over a sporting contest. A couple of weeks ago, the Icelandic men's handball team was a bunch of no-hopers, wallowing in the foothills of international respectability and given little chance of being competitive at the Olympics. This week, they awake as Olympic silver medallists. The reason? Undoubtedly, it is Robert Gunnarsson's head. Just take a moment to take a look at that thing he's got on top of it. The generous coverage, the luxuriant mop, the ever-so-playful suggestion of imminent regrowth around the bare scalp: that's how you do a Mohawk, Zadko.
Setanta Sports, 10pm-midnight. World Cup qualifiers.
PARALYMPICS Opening ceremony.
ABC1, 10pm-1am.
AND ON RADIO … 2KY, noon-midnight. Racing.
702 ABC, noon-10pm. Grandstand . Includes Adelaide v Collingwood from 2, Panthers v Sea Eagles from 5.30 and Eels v Warriors from 7.30.
630 ABC NewsRadio, 7-10pm. Swans v North Melbourne. SUNDAY GOLF
Fox Sports 1, 2-5.30am. US PGA Tour.
FOOTBALLGeorgia v Ireland. Andorra v England from 4.
Setanta Sports, 2-6.30am. World Cup qualifiers.
TENNIS Men's semi-finals.
Channel Nine, 2-8am. US Open.
FOOTBALL United Arab Emirates v North Korea. ESPN, 4.25-6.30am. World Cup qualifier. Austria v France.
Fox Sports 3, 4-6.30am. World Cup qualifier.
FOOTBALL Netherlands v Australia. The squad has been named, Pim Verbeek has given some press conferences, and the Uzbeks have been labelled "dark horses" so many times they must surely now be in line to simply be known as "horses". But how much do we really know about how next week's qualifier will pan out? On The Box has stared into the grubby, two-dollar, out-of-season snowflake souvenir it recently acquired in Des Moines, and come up with some answers. The Australians, we know, will line up in Verbeek's favoured 1-8-1 formation. This system is characteristically Dutch in its flexibility, in that it allows everyone to play in midfield at some point of the match, but also assigns a specific role to each player. So, for instance, David Carney will play in the Scott Chipperfield role, Scott Chipperfield will play in the please-ask-David-Carney-to-give-me-my-role-back role, Carl Valeri will announce himself as the heir apparent to Vince Grella, and Vince Grella will announce himself as Vince Grella. Josh Kennedy will come on as a late substitute and run around inviting the Uzbeks to compare him to Jesus, Mark Bresciano will spend most of his time fielding questions about why he hasn't moved to England yet, Luke Wilkshire's role will be to continue to not vindicate the faith that Guus Hiddink placed in him at the World Cup two years ago, Mile Sterjovski will use wing-play as a way of venting his frustration over having to look at Ruben Zadkovich's Mohawk at training every day, and Mark Milligan will use the match to put himself in the shop window for offers from the Uzbek league - really, y'know, sell himself to Uzbekistan - or, failing that, to sit on the sidelines, looking a little overweight. The Uzbeks, meanwhile, will play in a Russian, almost Soviet style, with the government controlling the means of production, tight controls of free speech, and a restriction on movement in and out of the country, up and down the flanks and to and from the dressing rooms. They will look to push the ball wide early, and when that doesn't work, they will not push it wide. There will be some contested throw-ins. And at some point of the match, the Uzbeks will almost certainly take a free kick that smashes straight into the legs of the Socceroos' wall. Uzbek coach Rauf Inileev is an extremely canny operator (ie, everything we know about him, we know from Wikipedia), but beyond these three insights, it's difficult to know exactly what shape his tactics will take. One thing is certain, though - when Uzbekistan take to the field, you can guarantee that each and every one of their players on the field will be Uzbek. It's going to be huge.
Fox Sports 2, 4.30-7am. International friendly.
GOLF Utah Championship. Third round.
Fox Sports 2, 8.30-11am. Nationwide Tour.
FOOTBALL Colombia v Uruguay.
Setanta Sports, 9.15-11.15am. World Cup qualifier.
MOTOR SPORT Chevy Rock & Roll 400.
Fox Sports 3, 9.30am-1.30pm. NASCAR Sprint Cup.
TENNIS Women's final.
Channel Nine, 10am-noon.
LEAGUE Raiders v Bulldogs (Toyota Cup) from 11.30. Raiders v Bulldogs (first grade) from 2. Storm v Rabbitohs from 7. Unloading on the ref makes for good TV.
Fox Sports 2, 11.45am-4pm; 7-9pm.
PARALYMPICS Morning coverage includes swimming heats, track cycling, and women's wheelchair basketball (Australia v Great Britain). Evening coverage includes swimming finals, track cycling, and men's wheelchair basketball (Australia v Brazil).
ABC2, 1-5pm; 7.30-11pm. Day one.
AFL Geelong v St Kilda.
Channel Seven, 2-5.30pm. First qualifying final.
LEAGUE Titans v Tigers.
Channel Nine, 4-6pm.
MOTOR SPORT Round 11 from Donington Park.
Fox Sports 3, 8.30pm-2am. World Superbike Championship.
GOLF European Masters. Final round. The funny thing about golf is that if you fiddled with the stick a little, made the ball a bit bigger, and got rid of the silly pants, it would be very much like cricket. OK, so that's strictly speaking not true, but since when has truth mattered on this page? (Not Phil Derriman's bit at the bottom; that's quality. We're talking about our - what is it, a third? A half? You tell us.) The reason we say this is that we don't actually want to talk about golf - we want to talk about cricket. More specifically, we would like to talk about Andrew Symonds. Now, this might just be a function of our excessive emotional insensitivity, but we don't quite understand all the wailing, gnashing of teeth, hand-wringing and self-flagellation that's erupted during the past week over Symonds's possible retirement from the national team. OK, so Symonds is a peerless cricketer and, if he does retire, Australia will lose one of the most formidable exponents of the come-in-when-we're-six-wickets-down-and-need-another-390 -to-win innings the game has ever witnessed. Given that Symonds also features in at least 85 per cent of Australia's TV advertisements for utes, the ute advertisers of this country will also suffer. But the way we look at it, even if we lose a great cricketer, we'll almost certainly gain a formidable fisherman into the bargain. Even if Symonds leaves cricket, the big man (we hate to harp on about this, but the mandatory use of expressions like these is actually written into our contract with Fairfax - if we don't use them, we don't get paid) will make us all want to rediscover the glory of fish. For too long the competitive catching of fish has played a distant 1785th in this country to more high-profile sports such as lacrosse, spotto and hands-on-heads. So just imagine what the recruitment of a hugely popular figure such as Symonds could do for the sport. With the help of Symonds, this once-in-a-generation fishing talent, this fish-a-minute reeler, this all-round gutting-and-filleting genius, fishing could capture a place in the hearts of the nation's children every bit as cherished as that occupied by cricket or league. Instead of growing up dreaming of playing for the Wallabies, kids could grow up dreaming of going after marlin on the Gulf Stream. Instead of a baggy green cap, kids could come to maturity with the dream of a khaki green angling vest as their chief inspiration and hope. Cricket's loss, in other words, will be fishing's gain. And will that really be such a bad thing for the country, overall? With its infuriatingly inconsistent lbw rulings, with its cavalcade of fat guys dressed in cream, with its monkey chants and its hate, the consolations of cricket are phoney. But fish - fish live forever. My friends, today this column makes an appeal: let us pack the pads away for good, make our last ever joke about a hector protector, pick up our bait bundle, follow Roy on to the boat and cast a first, tentative line into the brilliant, glorious, endless sea of our manifest piscatorial destiny. What this nation cannot achieve on the cricket field, we can surely achieve with fish.
Fox Sports 1, 9pm-1am. European PGA Tour.
MOTOR SPORT Belgian Formula One Grand Prix.
Ten HD, 10pm-midnight; Channel Ten, 11.30pm-1.30am.
HURLING All Ireland Minor Hurling Championship final from 10. Kilkenny v Galway. All Ireland Hurling Senior Championship final from midnight. Kilkenny v Waterford.
Setanta Sports, 10pm-2am.
AND ON RADIO … 702 ABC, noon-6pm. Grandstand . Includes Raiders v Bulldogs from 2 and Titans v Tigers (second half) from 3.
630 ABC NewsRadio, 2-6pm. Geelong v St Kilda. BMW Championship. Third round.